Letters of Love

In my house, I have a box. This is no ordinary box. This box is special in every way because it contains the many cards, letters, and messages I have received from friends and family through out the year. The cards and letters are filled with words of love, encouragement, and hope. I keep them as a treasure for my heart because on rough days I can go to my box and read the words of love.

Recently, my mind has been drawn to a very specific letter I received on my 29th birthday from my mother. My mind has been drawn to this letter because right now I really have no words that can describe the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster that IVF has taken me on. The words that I can say to help me express my feelings right now are from that letter. The letter quoted a text from a Beth Moore study that said:

"...each of us who is willing can also receive a new song from God that arises in our souls out of hardship's victories--not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on our heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be "heard" by others, but they cannot be "learned" secondhand. Songs of the heart are only learned through personal experience--through hurts, losses, and failures that have been handed over to Jesus to heal and transform. And once we learn the songs, no one can take them from us."

Slowly, but surely I am seeing God's truths through this and I know that it is my journey to bear. I also know that I am forever changed by it and that is something I would NEVER trade. 

Surges of Joy

As time draws closer to beginning our first IVF cycle, my mind has been more focused on what happens when I actually do get pregnant. Over the course of the year, I haven't really allowed myself to think about the possibility because being pregnant seemed completely out of reach. I have really had to learn to guard my heart over that past 12 months because I was so sick of being emotionally pummeled to the ground. Even now, with a hopeful end in sight, my heart and mind are still cautious to the reality of a no pregnancy ending. In fact, my closest friends and family are more excited and hopeful than I am.

Yet, I do feel surges of joy and excitement from time to time. Times when sitting in my car and thinking about the joy of telling our friends and family the good news of being pregnant with twins. (I can dream, can't I) or thinking about what kind of personalities or physical features my kids will have. For example, will they be completely full of mischief and have the goofiest sense of humor like my husband or will they be more reserved and slightly OCD like me? Will they have my husband's big blue eyes or my bright smile? Thinking about all this does give me surges of joy and excitement from time to time.

However, I am not naive about what happens when this doesn't work out and we have to pursue the only other option we have: Adoption. I am learning to think and have a more positive and open-mind about this option. I have made the decision that whatever happens, my children will be loved and taught to love others. I also know, without a doubt, that our journey has not happened for nothing and my pain has not been unnoticed by God. I know that He is using this experience to show off who He is in my life so that other's can be blessed by Him.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11

Orchestrated Moments and updates

Have you ever had weird encounters or words of encouragement out of the blue from people that you haven't spoken to in years or months? Words of encouragement  or encounters with people you realize must have been influenced by God? If you have, it is probably one of the most real moments you can have with the Holy Spirit. I had a few such moments this past weekend that have left me unbelievably encouraged and extremely filled to the brim with hope for the future.

This weekend I spent some quality time with my mother and brother's wife at a Beth Moore speaking engagement. If you have never been to one of these, I highly recommend. You will leave feeling so inspired and refreshed in your faith and walk with the Lord.  The Holy Spirit was already at work in my heart from just that, but then God topped it off by sending blessings my way that I can only believe are from Him.

 The first moment was a Facebook message from a high school friend, whom I haven't talked to or seen since graduation day over ten years ago. The message was filled with words of love and encouragement about Matt and I's journey to becoming parents. It came right in the midst of an already encouraging message from Beth Moore.

The second moment was an email from a former student, who is now a freshman in high school. The email was sent to tell me how her teacher is amazed with her prior poetry and literature knowledge. She told me that she has found every thing I taught her useful for her success in high school. It was a moment I knew that God had orchestrated for me to encounter when I did.

The weekend also gave me the boost to share what has been going on in my life for the past couple of months as well. I wasn't sure if I was ready to share, since things are happening and about to get very real for Matthew and I. After this weekend, I know I am ready and supposed to.  Back in February of 2013, I was scheduled to begin my first round of IVF until the doctor found a cyst on one of my ovaries. Since then, I have had four ultrasounds to check to see if the cyst has gone away. It has not. I originally thought that we could not go through with IVF until the cyst was gone or removed per my fertility doctor's request. However, my surgical doctor gave me different advice. She basically told me that I should seek a second opinion because nothing about the cyst is life-threatening or of medical concern. That is exactly what my husband and I did.

Our new fertility doctor is comfortable with going forward with IVF and we are currently preparing for our first and God-willing ONLY cycle. Praises all around! I absolutely DID NOT want to have to undergo another surgery. Matt and I couldn't be more thrilled and encouraged. We spent 7 months waiting around and feeling like this process would NEVER happen when all along there were doctors who would go forward. I do not regret waiting this long to get a second opinion. I do not regret having to go through this entire process. I realize that through pain God makes us stronger. Through pain we become changed people who are more prepared for whatever else life throws at us. Through pain we grow in our relationships with those that we love. Through pain we always end up seeing what we couldn't see before.

A Year later...

It's been exactly one year since Matthew and I began our journey together to have a family. A year ago, I was a completely different person. A year ago, if some one told me that they were pregnant, I probably would have cried. A year later, the pain still hits, but I am less likely to cry and more likely to listen to praise and worship music. A year ago, I felt hopeless. A year later, I feel extremely hopeful and completely filled with peace.  A year ago, I was scared and felt a lone in my struggle. A year later, I am confident and have built many new relationships and even made old ones stronger. A year ago, I didn't know if I would be a mom. A year later, I am certain in God's plan.

God has given me so much strength through my pain. He is the reason I can say all those things. He is the reason that I know I will be a mom. As much as this process has been painful and on-going, I know that God has my back. Good things will come and I can't wait to share how Matt and my story unfolds.  But for now, I just want to praise and thank God for never leaving me and for always giving me peace. I know from personal experience that letting yourself get the "best" of you is never going to be the best way to deal with pain. Letting yourself be completely filled with fear and anger will never make you feel better. I know.  Letting go of yourself and letting God fill you with love and peace is the only way I can honestly say will get you through your time of suffering.

Beauty from Ashes

Summer certainly flies by. It's been a while since I last posted, partly because I have been super busy taking care of my house, and mostly because I wasn't inspired to write about anything.

This past week has been one of those turning points when encountering a challenge in life. I am proud and super happy to say OUR FLOORS ARE FINALLY FINISHED AND BEAUTIFUL! I have been waiting since April to have my house feel like my home again. It is so surreal now, sitting at my kitchen table thinking back to that Thursday night when the flood gates opened and water came pouring up from the crawl space into my lovely home, with perfectly sanded and stained, beautiful, oak wood floors! Upon walking back into my house after spending a week with my parents, I had no idea what to expect. I couldn't even imagine how my house could go from disaster zone to my new peaceful paradise. My expectation and imagination didn't not even come close to the reality of what I walked in to. My jaw dropped and my heart skipped a beat. It was love at first sight! I may be sounding a bit ridiculous right now, but I am seriously trying to emphasize the drastic change of appearance my house just underwent.

Having our floors turn out this gorgeous represents much more to me than having eye candy to look at when sitting on the couch in the living room. It represents that beauty does come from ashes and good things do come to those who wait and all those other silly sayings that my mom said ARE TRUE! It may seem like a small victory in the big picture of my home's life, but it was a huge battle won in my heart. I know that I was meant to go though that horrible experience of my house flooding because in the end it taught me that God's plans are better than I can imagine. In the moment of the flood it was not fun and I thought what could be worse, but seeing what became of the effects of the flood actually made the experience worth it. I have a new found hope in my relationship with God and in the journey that He has me on. If God can do all this for our house, I can't even imagine what He will do for our own little family. May small victories in life give you encouragement and hope in the battles of life. God is AWESOME!

You gotta go through the mess to get to the good.

What does one do when they have 8 weeks of vacation? Projects! After having 4 dehumidifiers and the AC running for 3 1/2 weeks our floors are finally ready to be refinished! I can not even explain how happy I am about this. My house has been in turmoil since the flood back in April. Yesterday, my husband and I got some projects done around the house and yard. You would think that my husband would be the one pulling up old linoleum and tile floors and I would be the one outside planting the new bushes and plants, but it was quite the opposite. I pulled up all the floors and scraped up most of the old tar off of the wood floors in the kitchen/dining area and foyer by myself. After the job was done for the day and I had time to process what was going on; I actually got a little unnerved about the whole situation. I really liked my house the way it was before the flood. I liked the warmth of the carpets. I liked having my house neat and orderly. I liked that my 13 year old puppy could walk on the floors without slipping and freaking out. I liked living in a home that was pretty much project free. Now my house is one, big, hot mess! There is boxes of books, pictures, and kitchen supplies packed away. There is furniture in rooms where it doesn't belong. Dust and the smell of tar have invaded my once, warm and inviting space. There is no room in the house that I actually feel the sense of comfort that one's home should bring.

My husband usually knows how to bring me comfort after I express to him that I am stressed out and feeling depressed about the whole situation. He said to me, "You gotta go through the mess to get to the good." Such simple words, yet so profound. I do have to go through the mess and I have been. I am ready for the good to come out of all this. Not just with the flood, but dealing with infertility too. I am ready for good reports from the doctor, beginning my first round of IVF, a positive pregnancy test, buying decorations for a baby room, and clean, refinished wood and tile floors!

Foyer floors after old tile has been removed

Kitchen floors 

Reflections

So being a teacher has a lot of wonderful perks; summer vacation being one of them. Two blissful months of relaxation, reading books (for pleasure), going to the cottage, vacationing, and catching up with long lost friends. Summer to me is also a time for reflecting on my past year's experiences. This year has definitely been one to go down in the history of my life as long-suffering. It's been full of surprises and challenges I did not see coming. 

Starting out with the Strike of the Chicago Teacher's Union. I had already been working for 6 weeks at the time of the strike because my school was an early start school. I had already invested hours into planning, teaching, and getting to know my students. The strike lasted for an entire week and two days of work and time away from my students. I had been teaching my Hero's Journey Unit at that time and remember feeling stressed about loosing coherency when teaching the novel my students had been reading in Literature Circles. The strike was such a challenge for me emotionally and physically. I am glad that is over, done, and out of here!

Finding out I can't have children naturally was challenge number two and obviously still on going. My very first appointment to check to see what was going on with me was the same exact day the strike was over and my students were coming back to school. My body decided not to cooperate that day and I had to push back the appointment to the next month. Looking back, I know that was a God thing. He knew my mind was on those kids and seeing them was more important than being at the doctors. Good thing, because when I did find out my fate I would not have been able to go into work late and teach. I was not mentally capable of doing so. 

Taking off work for a week to have surgery was a challenge as well. I expected to bounce right back into the swing of things because I had only had an out-patient surgery. Apparently, I don't react well to anesthesia. I really hope I never have to have surgery again! Thankfully, I have such a great grade level team and administration that was completely understanding and covered for me while I was out, not to mention the students concern and kindness towards me when I did come back. 

Flooding was a total shock and surprise this past year as well. My husband and I are still dealing with the mess. Our entire house needs to be dehumidified before we can redo our wood floors. Summer vacations are also a time for getting things taken care of that full time working people can't normally do. 

Dealing with the delay(s) of beginning my first round of IVF is completely difficult for me and I am beginning to doubt that there is even an end to this road. Waiting is so tortuous! This may sound crazy, but seeing and holding all my friend's new babies has been encouraging. Some of my friends have had struggles like me and seeing the end of their journey to becoming a mother is a huge testimony to me of God's faithfulness. 

I know this is getting ridiculously long, but bare with me. I am almost done. 

I can also look back and see many of God's blessings. This year wasn't all that bad. I became a homeroom teacher for the first time. This was the best year for it. My students gave me so much joy and kept me strong during my weakest moments. I don't know what I would have done with out them. The best part of my year was receiving thank you letters for being a great teacher from a few students. It made the whole process worth it because I know I did my job of being a teacher that made somewhat of a difference in their lives.

I have also experienced such an abundance of peace and understanding from God. I can't understand how I could hold it together sometimes and be as sane as I was. I only know that kind of attitude comes from God.   I can only praise Him through my storms. 

My family and friends have really shown their love for Matt and I as well. I am so blessed to have such a huge support system and people who really care to show that they are praying for us and love us. I can't imagine how a person survives without family. 

I have rambled on a while, but it certainly felt good to reflect. 

The Sun is Rising

Waiting on God and learning patience is the theme of my life for years 2012-?. I am being tested major and am ready for the end of this chapter in my life. Not only am I being tested in my battle with infertility, but in March my entire house flooded as well. Talk about kicking me when I am down. Back in February my fertility doctor found a cyst on my left ovary and decided to hold out on my first IVF cycle, I was told to wait until the end of May to see if it disappeared. I went in for the ultrasound about a week and a half ago and the dumb thing is still there. My fertility doctor doesn't want to start my first round of IVF until it shrinks or goes away. My options are another surgery to get the cyst removed or wait. I was told this process was going to take time, but I did not anticipate this much time. I keep telling myself to remember the big picture. I know in a few years I will be able to look back and praise God even more for His sovereign plan over my life, but right now the waiting is torture.

The day of my appointment I was very distraught. I was feeling defeated, confused, and just plain angry. I had taken the day off of work, so I had time to think and be alone. I decided to head to Family Christian Book Store. I found two things that gave my heart a burst of peace and understanding. The first: a cross to help me remember the Peace I can have from God.

Finding Peace

 The second: Britt Nicole's Gold Soundtrack. One of her songs really spoke to me about the journey God has me on. The song is entitled, "The Sun is Rising". The lyrics have so much truth about God's promises for those who stay faithful when enduring painful circumstances in their lives. 

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting
The future you had hoped for is now burning
And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning
And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it
You're gonna make it
And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing
If your heart is breaking
There's a promise for the ones who just hold on
Lift up your eyes and see
The sun is rising

"Night" is only going to last for so long. Knowing that gives me a peace, I know only comes from God, and not from my own understanding. The sun will rise in my life and that gives me joy and excitement.

A little Godsend this Mother's Day

For the past couple of years Mother's Day has been a time of strong emotion for me. It is a hard fact to sit and see all the mom's wearing their homemade jewelry or flowers from their children or to have the pastor announce that all moms get a flower on their way out of church. I yearn for the Mother's Day I can sit in church with a homemade necklace from a child of mine. 

This year I think that God knew it would be hard for me too, so I believe He sent me a present. I didn't realize it was a present at first, but after telling my mom the story she said that it had to of been a Godsend. Today while my students, or kids as I like to call them, were working on a project I reminded them that it was Mother's Day weekend. I told them not to forget about their moms and to give them a hug and a kiss. A couple minutes later one of my female students came up to me and gave me a giant hug and said, "Happy Mother's Day Mrs. Loerop!" I was taken aback because my students know that I don't have children. I said, "I don't have kids." She then replied, "Yes you do. You have 23 kids!" It took all I had in me not to cry when she said that. 

I guess God wanted me to know that I already am a mom. I am a mom to 110 8th graders. 23 of which are in my homeroom whom I greet in the morning and say "Behave yourselves" on their way out the door every day. They are my kids whom I love and love to be with. My kids bring me joy and I am blessed to have them in my life for the short while that they are in 8th grade.

I am learning that Mother's Day is for all women. You don't have to birth a child to be a mother. Mothers come in different forms. I just happen to be a "mom" for 7 hours of my day to 110 teenagers. 

Better than I can imagine...

There are many lessons or "things" that I have learned from being in my late 20s that I didn't really care about or pay attention to while I was having fun in my early 20s. Starting out with the fact that once you "own" a house it kinda owns you. Mortgage and taxes are just part of the story...mice, ants, spiders, broken front door locks, bees in the master bedroom, and over flowing utility sinks have consumed my happy home. Another fact would be, if I stay up past 9 pm my whole body aches the next day. When did that happen! I remember pulling all-nighters in college without even a yawn. But the biggest fact or lesson I have learned, is NOTHING happens the way you imagine it to work out. When I was in high school, I imagined getting married while I was in college or immediately after and having my first baby by the time I was 25. None of that actually happened. I got married 2 years after college (I guess you could consider that immediately, but I figured I would be like 23 not 25) and I am pushing 29 with no baby in sight. Life hasn't worked out exactly the way I imagined it, and that can lead to stress and thinking life will never meet my expectations.

 Learning to let go and let God take over has been one of the hardest things for me to do. After learning that my first IVF cycle was going to be pushed back to after May sometime, I decided it was high time for me to let it go. I realized I had been trying to control this entire process.  I was completely stressed out and consumed with getting pregnant. I even quit going to Bible Study because I thought I should have a break to stay completely relaxed (I am back in Bible Study). So here's what I have to say, "Have your way, God! You're going to do what You want anyway!" I am learning that God's will is always best even when I can't imagine how it could be. In the end, I will win and find extreme joy in the entire situation. The ride isn't always going to be the way I would have wanted it, but because I know in my heart that it's what God wants, the ride does get easier. My prayer is that if you are also struggling with God's plan for your life, you find the peace that can transcend all understanding as I am learning to find.

Encouraging Words

I came across some very profound words today. I am sure that I have heard this before and deep down I know that they are true, but today I felt very encouraged by them. Here's what I came across,

"God has a task for you--one He planned very long ago and suited for our present generation....God desires for us to encourage one another in our tasks, but we are responsible only for completing our own." (Beth Moore). 

I think I found them so encouraging because they just reiterate the fact that God does everything with a purpose. I don't know what role infertility will play in my life (or maybe it's playing a role right now), but I do know there has got to be some purpose. If you find yourself struggling like me, I hope you are encouraged by these words too. Who knows why God does the things He does with our lives, but just knowing that it was planned out very long ago to be used in the generation that we are currently living in gives me the chills.

The one...the only...Paul...

Do you have a favorite Bible character? Actually when I think about it they aren't really characters...they are real, genuine, people. Mine would have to be Paul. Paul's story is really quite inspiring. He is also a role model for me and a huge reason why I understand God has huge plan's for those who love Him. And also, that Christians aren't exempt from pain and suffering just because we believe in God. I started doing a 90 day journey with Paul, compliments of Beth Moore. I have been learning more than I bargained for and have seen how great our God is.

Paul started out as a Pharisee and even had a different name, Saul. He was really quite evil and killed many Christians that didn't follow the ways of the Pharisee's and their old testament thinking. He thought he was very righteous and had life all figured out. I would say that he had a HUGE ego and massive amounts of pride. Usually when people have HUGE ego's and massive amount's of pride, they get knocked down eventually. That's exactly what happened to Paul. God literally knocked him down and asked Paul why he was persecuting Him? (Acts 9). Paul couldn't deny God's amazing power after that and become a follower himself.

What is so inspiring about Paul is that his devotion to God is like none I have seen. When he became a Christian he was heavily persecuted himself by being put into prisons, put before Roman judges, put into dangerous situations where Jews wanted to stone him to death, and put into hiding. I don't tell the story nearly as great as the Bible does. I don't really even give it justice, but I hope you can start to see his devotion to God. What amazes me the most is that Paul never gave up and he always trusted God.

Paul had no idea the path that God was going to take him on, but he always trusted that God's ways and plans were better. I don't know my path either. It can be scary to think about and fear can enter my mind. Will I ever have kids? What if IVF doesn't work? If I do have kids, will they be healthy? Will I be a good parent? What if I screw up, raising kids is getting harder and harder? I am sure even Paul had moments of fear (I mean he was still human), but Paul never stopped trusting in God and what plans He had. Paul's story is really quite inspiring because I know that trusting God and letting Him rule what happens in your life always turns out better than you can expect. It is definitely easier said than done, but knowing that many have trusted God before me makes it a lot easier.

To Pout or to Celebrate? That is the question.

Why is it every time that you really desire something, every one else in the world seems to have it before you? For example, back when I really wanted to get engaged to Matthew (and was incredibly impatient) it felt like every other day some one was announcing their engagement! Well I feel the same exact thing is happening again with this desire of mine to start a family. Let me just show you...

1. I have been working at my school for a little over 5 years and have seen a couple teachers get pregnant. No big deal, I wasn't thinking about it myself. This year, however, the pregnant teachers have been coming out in droves. 4 (yes 4!) teachers have announced theirs or their spouses pregnancies! To top this off, some of them haven't even been married a year! I mean really!

2. I am in two Bible studies (one for me and one for Matt and me). Both Bible studies have had women announce their pregnancies. Obviously, I am happy for these women. They deserve a happy family too, but come on!

3. Literally, and I mean LITERALLY, every time I log onto Facebook, some cute couple is announcing that they are pregnant. I understand I am in my late 20's and this is the time of life people are starting families, but it is just getting ridiculous.

4. I feel like every Hollywood Star and their mother is getting pregnant. So now when I check out at Target, I have to see Kim Kardashian's pregnant butt.

I mean...can any one out there relate with me right now? 

But here's the thing, I have to remember that this earth isn't all about me. I have to remember that many of these cute couples announcing their pregnancies have gone through times of pain and periods of loss too. I have to remember that any time some one announces their pregnancy it is a gift from God and something that should be celebrated. So I am here to say that I am going to celebrate and rejoice with these cute couples who were blessed with the opportunity to bring life into this world. I know that my time will come and so will those of you who are waiting too because God is good and His plan for all our lives is perfect! And when that day comes, you better believe that there will be an announcement from the Loerop's!

Hold on to the Promises

Holding on to the promises is what gives me peace. 

October 10, 2012 was the day that will go down in history as the day I found out I can not have children naturally. After trying for over a year, Matt and I decided to seek a fertility specialist because our plans to becoming parents wasn't happening in the time frame we thought or like we expected. We wanted to find out what was the deal. So here is the deal, on October 10 I went to the Loyola Medical Center's Radiology department for what is called an HSG test (actual name is hard to spell and difficult to say). The HSG is a fancy x-ray test that examines my lady parts. The results were not as hopeful as I expected, my left tube was messed up and an egg could not get through, also my right tube was beginning to be messed up so the egg had a very difficult time getting through. Awesome, two bum tubes = no baby (naturally).

Obviously, this was very upsetting and I thought my world has just ended. The devastation of learning I couldn't have the big family of cute, little, dutch blondies running around was probably the worst news I had heard my entire life. I felt like some one had just died. However, my dreams are not officially dead. On October 24, Matt and I had another visit with our fertility doctor to hear the low down and options available from the results of my test. My options are IVF or adoption. We are choosing IVF. This choice does not come easy or painless. There are a couple of steps involved with that choice. Step one: my tubes had to be removed because if they stay the toxins from them could kill any baby formed in my womb. Not an easy decision to make, but one necessary if Matt and I want biological children. Step one has been taken care of. I won't go into too much detail there. Step two: buy the medicine, go to the training, and wait for my cycle to  line up with the doctor's time frame. In February, I was so excited because I thought that was the month I would get to start my first IVF cycle, become pregnant, and get ready to be a mom. That did not happen. On the day I went in my baseline ultrasound to check if all was well with my ovaries and uterus, the doctor found a growth on one of my ovaries. I, of course, did not handle that well and became very upset. If you don't know me, I am a crier. I cry at just about anything. I cry when the Olympic music plays. I cry so easily the doctor has tissues waiting when I come in for a visit now. So you can imagine the water works. The doctor told me I had to go for a CT scan because she wasn't sure what it was. Again freak out moment for me. Turned out it was just an ovarian cyst, but I had to wait a WHOLE month before the doctor could say what to do. The month came and went. The whole month I was praying that the cyst would go away so that I did not have to have surgery for the second time. The current results are this, the cyst is going away (PRAISE JESUS), but I now have to wait until May before I know what the next steps are. I guess that is how long it will take before this cyst dissolves.

I have learned so much through this. The biggest lesson I have learned through this is I can't control this anymore. I have tried to be so controlling of this aspect of my life and it just isn't working any more. I am a control freak and I like things done in a certain way. But God is using this situation to teach me that life is not about what I expect and want, it's about His expectations and what He wants for me. Like I can actually control when I will become a mother, who do I think I am! (Job 38 is very humbling if you need an ego check.) When I first found out about my situation. I was beside myself, stressed, and in a "woe is me" depression. That mentality did nothing for me. I decided that had to stop. I decided I was going to hold on to God's promises and let Him do His thing. The peace that has come over me through this time is so calming and satisfying. I know that is only from God. God is carrying me through this and He alone will bring me joy, not a baby, not becoming a mother, not having 4 or 5 children, and certainly not feeling a baby kick inside of my womb. Don't get me wrong, I think those all can bring joy, but only temporary joy that doesn't last for eternity. God and His design for my life is what will bring me that everlasting joy. He is who I put my hope and identity in. So here I am holding on the the promises and still waiting for Love's design, but along the way of seeing God's beauty for my family unfold (no matter where the baby comes from) I am basking in the joy I have for the Father who created me for a larger purpose than being a mother.

Love's Design: A Beauty to be Seen

Love's Design is meant to share my story. The story of how I realized that God's beauty through my infertility and life is still being designed and a beauty to be seen.

The title of my blog came naturally. A while back, (September/October of 2012) my pastor did a sermon series called, "Love's Design". I was very intrigued by the title and anxious to hear what he had to say. I didn't realize how very appropriate it would be and how desperately I needed to hear God's word through it.
You see my husband and I are dealing with infertility. Which by the way is a huge blow to a person (myself) who thought that getting married and having a baby would be the easiest thing in the world. Here's what God had to say about that, "Um, Elizabeth this is my story for your life and not yours...so you are going to have to do things a little differently than you expected."

Differently than I expected is certainly right! But before I get into the whole infertility story and God's design for Matt and I's family. I need to explain how God is truly a beauty to be seen. In the sermon series, one sermon really caught my attention and struck of chord in my soul. Pastor Todd was preaching from John 9. (Quick low down on that: Jesus healed a blind man) In the passage, Jesus' disciples asked him if the man was blind because of his sin or his parent's sin. This next part is basically the entire desire I have for this blog and what I realized was God's design for my infertility. Jesus' response to that was this, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Basically saying, "It's Love's Design!" and I had nothing to do with this trial in my life. God wants to show off through me!

Whoa baby! God loves us (me) so much that he uses our (my) brokenness to show off his beauty! He has such a larger purpose for my life or anyone's life (for that matter) that accepts him. My heart can only praise Him through this. This is my story, no stop, this is GOD"S STORY about how His beauty and love can be seen through brokenness and pain. Even now tears run down my face because of the unknown of whether or not Matt and I will have a biological child. However, they are not entirely tears of sadness; they are also tears of joy and excitement because I know that my Holy Father has such an amazing design planned for my family and I can barely stand to wait!