As time draws closer to beginning our first IVF cycle, my mind has been more focused on what happens when I actually do get pregnant. Over the course of the year, I haven't really allowed myself to think about the possibility because being pregnant seemed completely out of reach. I have really had to learn to guard my heart over that past 12 months because I was so sick of being emotionally pummeled to the ground. Even now, with a hopeful end in sight, my heart and mind are still cautious to the reality of a no pregnancy ending. In fact, my closest friends and family are more excited and hopeful than I am.
Yet, I do feel surges of joy and excitement from time to time. Times when sitting in my car and thinking about the joy of telling our friends and family the good news of being pregnant with twins. (I can dream, can't I) or thinking about what kind of personalities or physical features my kids will have. For example, will they be completely full of mischief and have the goofiest sense of humor like my husband or will they be more reserved and slightly OCD like me? Will they have my husband's big blue eyes or my bright smile? Thinking about all this does give me surges of joy and excitement from time to time.
However, I am not naive about what happens when this doesn't work out and we have to pursue the only other option we have: Adoption. I am learning to think and have a more positive and open-mind about this option. I have made the decision that whatever happens, my children will be loved and taught to love others. I also know, without a doubt, that our journey has not happened for nothing and my pain has not been unnoticed by God. I know that He is using this experience to show off who He is in my life so that other's can be blessed by Him.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11
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