Hold on to the Promises

Holding on to the promises is what gives me peace. 

October 10, 2012 was the day that will go down in history as the day I found out I can not have children naturally. After trying for over a year, Matt and I decided to seek a fertility specialist because our plans to becoming parents wasn't happening in the time frame we thought or like we expected. We wanted to find out what was the deal. So here is the deal, on October 10 I went to the Loyola Medical Center's Radiology department for what is called an HSG test (actual name is hard to spell and difficult to say). The HSG is a fancy x-ray test that examines my lady parts. The results were not as hopeful as I expected, my left tube was messed up and an egg could not get through, also my right tube was beginning to be messed up so the egg had a very difficult time getting through. Awesome, two bum tubes = no baby (naturally).

Obviously, this was very upsetting and I thought my world has just ended. The devastation of learning I couldn't have the big family of cute, little, dutch blondies running around was probably the worst news I had heard my entire life. I felt like some one had just died. However, my dreams are not officially dead. On October 24, Matt and I had another visit with our fertility doctor to hear the low down and options available from the results of my test. My options are IVF or adoption. We are choosing IVF. This choice does not come easy or painless. There are a couple of steps involved with that choice. Step one: my tubes had to be removed because if they stay the toxins from them could kill any baby formed in my womb. Not an easy decision to make, but one necessary if Matt and I want biological children. Step one has been taken care of. I won't go into too much detail there. Step two: buy the medicine, go to the training, and wait for my cycle to  line up with the doctor's time frame. In February, I was so excited because I thought that was the month I would get to start my first IVF cycle, become pregnant, and get ready to be a mom. That did not happen. On the day I went in my baseline ultrasound to check if all was well with my ovaries and uterus, the doctor found a growth on one of my ovaries. I, of course, did not handle that well and became very upset. If you don't know me, I am a crier. I cry at just about anything. I cry when the Olympic music plays. I cry so easily the doctor has tissues waiting when I come in for a visit now. So you can imagine the water works. The doctor told me I had to go for a CT scan because she wasn't sure what it was. Again freak out moment for me. Turned out it was just an ovarian cyst, but I had to wait a WHOLE month before the doctor could say what to do. The month came and went. The whole month I was praying that the cyst would go away so that I did not have to have surgery for the second time. The current results are this, the cyst is going away (PRAISE JESUS), but I now have to wait until May before I know what the next steps are. I guess that is how long it will take before this cyst dissolves.

I have learned so much through this. The biggest lesson I have learned through this is I can't control this anymore. I have tried to be so controlling of this aspect of my life and it just isn't working any more. I am a control freak and I like things done in a certain way. But God is using this situation to teach me that life is not about what I expect and want, it's about His expectations and what He wants for me. Like I can actually control when I will become a mother, who do I think I am! (Job 38 is very humbling if you need an ego check.) When I first found out about my situation. I was beside myself, stressed, and in a "woe is me" depression. That mentality did nothing for me. I decided that had to stop. I decided I was going to hold on to God's promises and let Him do His thing. The peace that has come over me through this time is so calming and satisfying. I know that is only from God. God is carrying me through this and He alone will bring me joy, not a baby, not becoming a mother, not having 4 or 5 children, and certainly not feeling a baby kick inside of my womb. Don't get me wrong, I think those all can bring joy, but only temporary joy that doesn't last for eternity. God and His design for my life is what will bring me that everlasting joy. He is who I put my hope and identity in. So here I am holding on the the promises and still waiting for Love's design, but along the way of seeing God's beauty for my family unfold (no matter where the baby comes from) I am basking in the joy I have for the Father who created me for a larger purpose than being a mother.