Thankful Heart

What I have learned through this journey is that it is REALLY easy to be happy with God when things are going well. Even after accepting the fate of having to deal with IVF, I still had times when life was going pretty well and it was easy for me to just thank God for all he has done. It is most hard for me to thank God in times of pain or suffering because I feel that I am all alone and that He doesn't really care what is happening to me or that He is letting this happen, so I must have done something wrong. Deep down I know that it must be for a reason (usually the reason is only to make me stronger and honor Him) and I am still learning those lessons. Now, months later, I can begin see how He worked through my suffering. 

I can see that His hand was a part of the whole journey. I thank Him for letting me born in a time period when doctors and medicine allow for such miracles to take place in science. Actually, I thank Him for giving humans such amazing brains that they can even think of ideas and procedures such as IVF. It wasn't even 40 years ago that couples who were infertile even had the choice to have there own children through procedures like IVF. That is just pretty amazing!

I thank Him for protecting me through the different procedures that I had to undergo and all the potential complications that doctors always scare you with. I am really beginning to despise those potential complications especially now that I am going in for prenatal check-ups. Is it really necessary to tell me every little thing that COULD happen to me or the baby!  Ignorance really is bliss.

I thank Him for giving me peace that I couldn't or can't explain through the waiting or the "I have no idea if I will ever have children" period. Phillipians 4:7 makes complete sense to me now, "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I honestly don't know what I would have done if I let my mind go crazy. There probably would have been way more tears and anger towards couples who can get pregnant on their own. 


I could go on an on about how God's timing was perfect and different things happened that made the journey even better in the end, but I am not. I just thank God for being God! A God who loves his children unconditionally, who is a Father that teaches His children many life lessons only so that we can have a full and abundant life through Him. I mean if God just gave me whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, I would be a spoiled, brat that just expected everything to happen in my timing. I am glad that life isn't about that. Life is a learning and growing process. Every experience makes a person who they are. I wouldn't want to change who I am now because that would change the abundant life that God had planned for me. 


Just one last thing that is my mind is blown by....

The first image is of my little girl at 8 weeks. At that point she didn't yet have definable gender parts, so we didn't know if she was a boy or girl. She looks like a blob or teddy gram as the sonogram lady said, but you can see she has a head and body. She also had a detectable heartbeat, that was beating around 160 beats per minutes. Mind blown...this little human developing without arms and legs yet,  has a heartbeat!!! The part of humans that allows us to survive!

The second image is of my little girl at 18 weeks, just 10 short weeks later. She now has detectable gender parts and can be recognized as a baby girl! She has definable features and has grown like crazy. She is around 6 inches and in the first image she wasn't even an inch! Her heartbeat is still around 160 because she is growing so fast! She is also starting to show personality! Do you see her two little fingers making the peace symbol? She is giving her mom and dad a show! She definitely has some of her father in her!!

She is a life. She is a little human life growing to come and be something awesome in this world. How can you question a God who shows off His glory in this way? How could you doubt His existence when every day human lives are formed in a mother's womb? This is the stuff that gives me chills about my Heavenly Father!

I'd like to thank....

"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you..." Philippians 1:3

I realized long ago that infertility isn't a journey you go on alone. It is a journey that your spouse, family, current friends, old friends, pray supporters, doctors, nurses, and bosses all go on with you. I realized that without the support of all these people it would have been impossible for me to make it through the times of waiting, the IVF process, and current pregnancy. So without further ado, I decided to give out a special thanks in this post...

First, I'd like to thank all the fabulous ladies from my past who reached out to me with messages of support, love, and prayer. Each time I received a message from one of you it was usually at a time I needed it most and for that I thank you.

Thank you to my current gal pals who have always asked how I was doing or if I needed anything. It is so awesome to have women who really care and reach out through phone call, dinner dates, or email to show love. 

Thank you to all my bible study ladies and couples that have been a prayer support for Matt and I, now and during the period of waiting and hope for a baby. I am specifically thankful for the ladies that met on Tuesday nights at Heather's and for my current group of ladies, who were there for me during the darkest moments of my journey and are still a huge part of my life. I can't wait for each of you to hold and love on my baby!

Thank you to my students, boss, and co-worker friends who reminded me that life isn't always about making babies and sometimes life is about the people right in front of you. 

Thank you to my family. Dads and Moms, Brothers and Sisters, Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins all from both sides, who reached out to Matt and I, and gave us words of wisdom, lots of hugs, phone calls, emails, prayers, and unconditional love. This baby already is already so loved by those who loved Matt and I first. 

Thank you to my mother, who always took my phone calls to calm me down if I was crying, came to my house if I really needed her, took me shopping or out to eat to help me get things off my mind, and always prayed with me when I asked. She is by far the definition of mom and I hope I am at least half the mom she is to my own children. 

And finally, thank you to my husband and first love, Matthew. He went to every appointment or procedure, except one, even though some of them were ten minutes, just to hold my hand. He still goes to every appointment, but these are more fun. He let me cry and be myself when I was most upset. He took me out to eat or for frozen yogurt every time I needed to get out of the house. He prayed for me and the future of our family and now prays for our baby. He kept me and keeps me grounded on planet earth and also helps me realize that things really aren't that bad. I am unbelievably thankful for the spouse that I have been blessed with.

No, I haven't forgotten about my Holy Father. NONE of this would have happened without Him. He deserves his own post. 

Highs and Lows

Pure Joy. Extreme Happiness. Excitement beyond measure. These were the feelings I had when first finding out that IVF worked and we were pregnant. I received the official phone call from the doctor's office on a Wednesday at about 1:30 in the afternoon, three days before Christmas break. A nurse made the call and started out by saying, "I have good news...", she then proceeded to say how my HCG (pregnancy hormone levels) looked, what meds I still needed to continue to help support the development of our baby, and to schedule an appointment for Friday (the day before Christmas break) to check my HCG and progesterone levels. Standard procedure.

Irrational Fear. Extreme sadness. Incomprehensible tears. These were the feelings I had on Friday when hearing the nurse on the phone say that my HCG levels weren't rising fast enough and if I experienced any bleeding or heavy cramps I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I was completely dumbfounded and caught off guard. One minute, I am in my classroom enjoying a class Christmas party with my students and the next I am in my boss's office with tears streaming down my face. I felt hopeless and confused. I couldn't believe that the nurse basically just told me that I was probably going to miscarry. I kept asking, "Why God? I have gone through so much already. Why are you taking this from me only two days later?" I left work to go on Christmas break without excitement and the feeling of freedom like usual, but instead with a feeling being trapped and losing control. I kinda felt like a patient who was just told you have about 6 more months to live, some one just waiting for the inevitable. The next appointment to check my levels was Monday morning (two days before Christmas).

I spent the majority of the weekend in complete depression. I had a very hard time being happy or excited about the pregnancy because I thought I was going to miscarry. I didn't want to get too attached, which is honestly impossible to do. I remember yelling at my stomach, "You are not allowed to quit! You are a fighter, just like your parents!" The doctor's appointment was early Monday morning and I knew that I wouldn't get a phone call about the HCG levels until later that afternoon. I decided that praying and reading scripture was probably the best way to spend my time, instead of wallowing in self pity. I started reading the Psalms of David. I choose that particular book because I had just finished a David study early in the year and knew some of his Psalms reflected going through times a fear and mourning. As I read, the psalms became my personal prayers and I was able to feel peace and comfort again. The phone call came around 3:30 in the afternoon, felt like years later. This time the doctor personally called me. The HCG levels had gone up significantly, but the doctor still felt they were low. She told me I would be in her thoughts because she was leaving on vacation. The phone call left me feeling hopeful. I thought the levels keep going up, that must mean something. The next appointment to check the levels was the day after Christmas.

I was very thankful that Christmas was relaxing and full of love and laughter with my family. I even got my very first baby gift from my mom. A bib. I opened the gift and burst into tears, which even caught me off guard. They weren't tears of sadness, but of knowing I had a hopeful future ahead. Well, the day after Christmas came and what do you know, the HCG levels quaturpled and the nurse told me that my low HCG level was probably a statistical anomaly, but I knew it was God.

The Bib