Highs and Lows

Pure Joy. Extreme Happiness. Excitement beyond measure. These were the feelings I had when first finding out that IVF worked and we were pregnant. I received the official phone call from the doctor's office on a Wednesday at about 1:30 in the afternoon, three days before Christmas break. A nurse made the call and started out by saying, "I have good news...", she then proceeded to say how my HCG (pregnancy hormone levels) looked, what meds I still needed to continue to help support the development of our baby, and to schedule an appointment for Friday (the day before Christmas break) to check my HCG and progesterone levels. Standard procedure.

Irrational Fear. Extreme sadness. Incomprehensible tears. These were the feelings I had on Friday when hearing the nurse on the phone say that my HCG levels weren't rising fast enough and if I experienced any bleeding or heavy cramps I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I was completely dumbfounded and caught off guard. One minute, I am in my classroom enjoying a class Christmas party with my students and the next I am in my boss's office with tears streaming down my face. I felt hopeless and confused. I couldn't believe that the nurse basically just told me that I was probably going to miscarry. I kept asking, "Why God? I have gone through so much already. Why are you taking this from me only two days later?" I left work to go on Christmas break without excitement and the feeling of freedom like usual, but instead with a feeling being trapped and losing control. I kinda felt like a patient who was just told you have about 6 more months to live, some one just waiting for the inevitable. The next appointment to check my levels was Monday morning (two days before Christmas).

I spent the majority of the weekend in complete depression. I had a very hard time being happy or excited about the pregnancy because I thought I was going to miscarry. I didn't want to get too attached, which is honestly impossible to do. I remember yelling at my stomach, "You are not allowed to quit! You are a fighter, just like your parents!" The doctor's appointment was early Monday morning and I knew that I wouldn't get a phone call about the HCG levels until later that afternoon. I decided that praying and reading scripture was probably the best way to spend my time, instead of wallowing in self pity. I started reading the Psalms of David. I choose that particular book because I had just finished a David study early in the year and knew some of his Psalms reflected going through times a fear and mourning. As I read, the psalms became my personal prayers and I was able to feel peace and comfort again. The phone call came around 3:30 in the afternoon, felt like years later. This time the doctor personally called me. The HCG levels had gone up significantly, but the doctor still felt they were low. She told me I would be in her thoughts because she was leaving on vacation. The phone call left me feeling hopeful. I thought the levels keep going up, that must mean something. The next appointment to check the levels was the day after Christmas.

I was very thankful that Christmas was relaxing and full of love and laughter with my family. I even got my very first baby gift from my mom. A bib. I opened the gift and burst into tears, which even caught me off guard. They weren't tears of sadness, but of knowing I had a hopeful future ahead. Well, the day after Christmas came and what do you know, the HCG levels quaturpled and the nurse told me that my low HCG level was probably a statistical anomaly, but I knew it was God.

The Bib