Today should have been a day spent in the hospital anxiously awaiting the arrival of our second child, instead I am at home.
Today is the day our second child was due to be born that we sadly lost last April at 10 weeks.
Today, I went to church as normal, made lunch for my family as normal, and have a few loads of laundry in the washing machine as normal.
That's the thing about life, it continues to proceed as normal. Except it isn't the "same" normal, it's a "new" normal that needs adjustment. Adjustment to accept that no matter how much I have prayed or how much I hope that everything will just work out, it still hasn't (though we've tried and still continue to want to try). Adjustment to be content with the life that I have been given and the journey that I have been shoved down with no consent on my end. Adjustment to being happy with just Lydia until (hopefully) I am mommy to another. I've been told that "God has a plan." I am very aware. I am more aware of that statement than any other. His plan is NOT what I had planned at all. In fact, my plans have been shredded and tossed out the window because I honestly have no clue what to expect or say about this whole infertility journey anymore. I NEED to adjust to the fact that His plan may not include another baby for Matthew and me. I NEED to adjust to being okay with that.
At times this journey feels so lonely, though I know that I am not alone. I know that many women are sad throughout the year because they too aren't saying hello to their precious new baby. I know that many women still aren't and have never seen a positive line on their pregnancy tests. I also know that many women have been given time to love and cherish their precious babe, but have them taken or given to another. Today I mourn for the life that I didn't get to meet, as well as for all the babies that some of my friends and family haven't yet met or were taken from them. This journey is tough (I wouldn't wish it on anyone), but I am thankful that I am not alone. God continues to bless me with friends that have been a support and encouragement through their own stories and journey.
I wish I could say that everything will work out for me, but the honest truth is that I can't. What I do know is that someday when I get to heaven, my babies (yes, we tried again twice and lost 3 embryos that didn't attach) will be there for me to hug, hold, and kiss. I will be able to see them forever. That's about the only hope I have these days.
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