Thy Will Be Done

It happened again. I got too comfortable. I allowed myself to relax, take in life, and live life as if I was the one calling the shots. Truth is I am not. You would think that having gone through an entire three years of infertility before my daughter was born would have made me more prone to relying on God alone, but my human desires and where I was at in life made me all too comfortable.

Matthew and I decided it was time to have another. Lydia was 18 months old, we were all sleeping through the night on a regular basis, my body felt slightly back to normal, it seemed right. So we followed the doctor's protocol and happily found out we were expecting baby number two. It was all too easy and a lot less stress on my body the second time around. My pregnancy was easy at first and smooth sailing, but then the nausea kicked in. I was fairly miserable and, at times, hated life. Although,  since it was my second time around I knew that it would end...eventually. I knew that it would probably last 14-16 weeks, since I was pretty sick while I was pregnant with Lydia and knew what to expect. Except that it didn't.

Around 10 weeks pregnant my nausea and most other symptoms kinda just went away. At first, it didn't really concern me because everyone says,"every pregnancy is different" and I was basically through the first trimester. I was, however, concerned when I noticed some spotting. The doctor's office said it was best that we come in for an ultrasound to check everything out.

"There's no heartbeat", the Dr. said.
"What?" I asked in disbelief.
"There's no heartbeat." the Dr. stated again in the most monotone voice.

This short, brief conversation will be forever implanted in my memories. It was by far the most painful and excruciating event that I have ever faced in my thirty-two years on this earth. It was the first time in my life that I truly experienced death that hit so close to my heart. There were no words and are no words to explain my grief. It sucks.

So not only are Matthew and I journeying the infertility path, but we have also understood the despair and heartache many parents have faced in mourning the loss of their angel baby. It's quite common and I was actually shocked to learn that so many people in my life had experienced a miscarriage. It's not shameful, but not easy to talk about (though it's freeing to talk about it). This path and this loss can easily spiral one into a world of depression, anger, anxiety, and a "woe is me" type attitude. That isn't who I want to be. I have chosen hope instead of despair, joy instead of anger, and peace over my circumstances instead of anxiety. I do struggle and I do fall, but I always try to pick myself up again because I know that God's plans will be done and continue to be better than I can plan. I have learned once again that I have no control over when a baby will come into Matt and I's life. It's a difficult fact of life and lesson to learn, but I do know that once again I am a lot stronger than I was before.

As for now, Matthew and I wait because "Thy Will be Done."

Love's Design Part 2

Infertility sucks. Every part.

1. It sucks waiting. Waiting on periods to start, waiting on doctors to give you the okay to begin treatment, and just waiting waiting waiting. 

2. It sucks going to the doctors to get blood drawn and ultrasounds to check to see how your uterus looks. This happens multiple times in one treatment.

3. It sucks doing shots and wearing patches that pump ridiculous amounts of hormones inside of you that cause you to visit crazy town from time to time (I am being modest about "from time to time"). 

4. It sucks taking off of work and telling your boss that you have to come in late because you have to see the doctor. 

5. It sucks working with insurance companies that don't care about the fact you are a hormonal mess and take their sweet time getting their paper work done. 

6. It sucks feeling like no one really understands what you had to go through to even get to the stage of being allowed to have an embryo put in. This being because the uterus lining, estrogen levels, and progesterone levels all have to be in perfect condition for an embryo or the entire process will be stopped. 

This all coming from a woman who already went through the IVF process once with a successful pregnancy and a beautiful 18 month old daughter.

Yes, I got pregnant on my first try of doing IVF. Yes, I understand that this doesn't happen to everyone. Yes, I know I already have a beautiful daughter. This doesn't take away from the fact that I am still infertile and that I still can't become pregnant on my own with my husband. Natural pregnancy was a death I mourned long ago. 

Though...

As much as infertility sucks. Every part. There are some parts that are enjoyable. The part where Matthew and I have the ability to decide when we want to have another child. I consider it a blessing that we get to have a little bit of the say in planning out our family. We still believe that God has the final say. 

There is also the part that on the day of the embryo transfer we get to actually see our "little embry" live, wiggling around, and hatching. That alone makes it all worth it. Not many parents get to see the cell that started it all. Seeing the wiggly, little embryo hatching shows how powerful and awesome God truly is. No life is started without His say. My hope and peace through this, even the second time, still remains in God's faithful plan and his design for Matthew's and my family. 

Part of Me

It's been a little over 12 weeks since I gave birth to Lydia. The past 12 weeks have certainly been a whirlwind. I can not believe that my little lady is going to be 3 months next week, that I have been off of work since June 17, and that it was 2 years ago when I thought being a mom was only in my dreams. Time actually does fly.


Motherhood has certainly stretched me (even to my limits at times). I could honestly not prepare for what these past 12 weeks have brought me. I had no clue how demanding a newborn is, especially when they are ravenous in the middle of the night. I had no clue that some times babies just cry for no stinking reason. I had no clue how amazing and frustrating breast feeding can be. I had no clue how disgusting poopy diapers are and that a little baby can fart louder than a grown man. I had no clue how long it would take to get out the door-on time is a distant memory. I had no clue how much I would miss sleeping. I had no clue that some days an accomplishment is that I was able to put my contacts in and change out of my pjs. I had no clue.

But I also had no clue what those middle of the night cuddle sessions felt like when Lydia rested her tiny little head on my chest because that was the only spot she could get comfy enough to sleep in. I had no clue what joy I would feel when Lydia smiles up at me while she is feeding letting me know she is content. I had no clue that her little squeals and kicks of delight would melt my heart. I had no clue how much I would rather watch Lydia play on her floor mat or stare at a fan than my favorite TV show. I had no clue how proud I would be when I see my daughter swat at her toys or smile at her daddy. I had no clue how beautiful my little girl would be. I had no clue how much I would love Lydia. I had no clue that my life now is ten times better than it was when Lydia wasn't a part of it.

Motherhood has changed me and Lydia was worth the wait. She was worth every tear shed wondering if I would ever get to hold my own baby. She was worth every doctor's appointment and every procedure I went through to have her. She is a part of me.