Luke 1:37

November 30, 2013 was the last time I blogged and at that time I was in the midst of my IVF treatments. I had not had my egg retrieval or transfer yet and was completely unaware of what what to come only 19 days later. It's pretty amazing what can happen in a person's life in a matter of only 19 days...

On December 18, 2013, Matthew and I went into the fertility doctors office to see if I was pregnant through a blood sample. This was exactly 10 days after the doctors transferred our embryo into my uterus. Those 10 days of waiting were the LONGEST days of waiting I had yet endured. My mind would sometimes shift from the fear of not being pregnant to the hope of being pregnant-torturous!  My fears were conquered at about 1:30 that afternoon when a nurse called to tell me I was officially PREGNANT!

But, what I haven't told you yet, is that the night before I took a home pregnancy test. I was home alone because Matt had class, so my mind was racing with still not knowing the outcome. Curiosity got the best of me and I just HAD to know. I realized that I wanted to be prepared for whatever the outcome and have my moment of joy or sorrow in the comfort of my own home, instead of at work the next day.   That night, Dec 17, I saw the first positive home pregnancy test in all the months of trying to conceive and I was beside myself with tears of disbelief. I stood in my bathroom and seriously could not believe my eyes, this was the moment I had been waiting for. This was the moment I had spent so many hours praying for and it finally arrived! I obviously called Matthew and told him the news, who is somewhat of a skeptic and actually didn't get too excited about the pregnancy until the official results from the doctor. Not the most romantic way of sharing the news, but at this point I didn't care.

Even though I had some fear of the first round of IVF not working, I also had a sign from God that I was finally going to be a mom that kept me mostly hopeful for the 10 days of waiting. This sign comes from the verse Luke 1:37, "For with God nothing shall be impossible" in 3 distinct ways before and on the day of our embryo transfer.

1. I was in HobbyLobby getting craft supplies one Saturday during my IVF treatments and decided to go look at Wall Decals. I found one I really liked for my kitchen without having much thought about it. When I put the phrase on the wall in my kitchen, I looked up the verse, Luke 1:37, and found that it comes from the story of how Mary's cousin, Elizabeth, was with child at a very old age after years of waiting. "For with God nothing shall be impossible."

2. During the Christmas season, KLove (a Christian radio station), used speakers to remind us of the Christmas story. One of the speakers told the story of Elizabeth and Zachariah. The speaker said that this story is often forgotten in the Christmas season, but plays huge part. I only heard this speaker's story once, days before our embryo transfer, and it happened to be an encouraging word that nothing is impossible for God.

3. This next sign from God actually gave me chills and the most affirming sign that I was going to be pregnant. The day of our embryo transfer was a Sunday in early December right after Advent began. I am sure many churches go through the Christmas story or use passages about the coming of Christ, but on this specific Sunday both my parent's pastor and our pastor were preaching on the verse Luke 1: 37, "For nothing shall be impossible with God". My mom texted me that morning when I was at the fertility center and said, "Pastor Steve preached on Luke 1:37!! Oh my goodness! God is with you and Matt and NOTHING is impossible with HIM!" I found that to be one of the most encouraging and affirming signs that we had just "made" a baby!

Even now, almost 14 weeks into my pregnancy, fears can overtake my mind about the baby. What if the heart stops beating? What if something is wrong with the baby? What if...? What if...? I can't live by the "What ifs..." I remind myself that this child is a blessing from God, as all children are, and since NOTHING is impossible for God then how can I not trust Him and worry about the "What ifs..." God has already done so much with plans in my life that it's stupid for me not to trust that He has great plans for my child's life.

"For NOTHING shall be impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Letters of Love

In my house, I have a box. This is no ordinary box. This box is special in every way because it contains the many cards, letters, and messages I have received from friends and family through out the year. The cards and letters are filled with words of love, encouragement, and hope. I keep them as a treasure for my heart because on rough days I can go to my box and read the words of love.

Recently, my mind has been drawn to a very specific letter I received on my 29th birthday from my mother. My mind has been drawn to this letter because right now I really have no words that can describe the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster that IVF has taken me on. The words that I can say to help me express my feelings right now are from that letter. The letter quoted a text from a Beth Moore study that said:

"...each of us who is willing can also receive a new song from God that arises in our souls out of hardship's victories--not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on our heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be "heard" by others, but they cannot be "learned" secondhand. Songs of the heart are only learned through personal experience--through hurts, losses, and failures that have been handed over to Jesus to heal and transform. And once we learn the songs, no one can take them from us."

Slowly, but surely I am seeing God's truths through this and I know that it is my journey to bear. I also know that I am forever changed by it and that is something I would NEVER trade. 

Surges of Joy

As time draws closer to beginning our first IVF cycle, my mind has been more focused on what happens when I actually do get pregnant. Over the course of the year, I haven't really allowed myself to think about the possibility because being pregnant seemed completely out of reach. I have really had to learn to guard my heart over that past 12 months because I was so sick of being emotionally pummeled to the ground. Even now, with a hopeful end in sight, my heart and mind are still cautious to the reality of a no pregnancy ending. In fact, my closest friends and family are more excited and hopeful than I am.

Yet, I do feel surges of joy and excitement from time to time. Times when sitting in my car and thinking about the joy of telling our friends and family the good news of being pregnant with twins. (I can dream, can't I) or thinking about what kind of personalities or physical features my kids will have. For example, will they be completely full of mischief and have the goofiest sense of humor like my husband or will they be more reserved and slightly OCD like me? Will they have my husband's big blue eyes or my bright smile? Thinking about all this does give me surges of joy and excitement from time to time.

However, I am not naive about what happens when this doesn't work out and we have to pursue the only other option we have: Adoption. I am learning to think and have a more positive and open-mind about this option. I have made the decision that whatever happens, my children will be loved and taught to love others. I also know, without a doubt, that our journey has not happened for nothing and my pain has not been unnoticed by God. I know that He is using this experience to show off who He is in my life so that other's can be blessed by Him.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11