Letters of Love

In my house, I have a box. This is no ordinary box. This box is special in every way because it contains the many cards, letters, and messages I have received from friends and family through out the year. The cards and letters are filled with words of love, encouragement, and hope. I keep them as a treasure for my heart because on rough days I can go to my box and read the words of love.

Recently, my mind has been drawn to a very specific letter I received on my 29th birthday from my mother. My mind has been drawn to this letter because right now I really have no words that can describe the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster that IVF has taken me on. The words that I can say to help me express my feelings right now are from that letter. The letter quoted a text from a Beth Moore study that said:

"...each of us who is willing can also receive a new song from God that arises in our souls out of hardship's victories--not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on our heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be "heard" by others, but they cannot be "learned" secondhand. Songs of the heart are only learned through personal experience--through hurts, losses, and failures that have been handed over to Jesus to heal and transform. And once we learn the songs, no one can take them from us."

Slowly, but surely I am seeing God's truths through this and I know that it is my journey to bear. I also know that I am forever changed by it and that is something I would NEVER trade. 

Surges of Joy

As time draws closer to beginning our first IVF cycle, my mind has been more focused on what happens when I actually do get pregnant. Over the course of the year, I haven't really allowed myself to think about the possibility because being pregnant seemed completely out of reach. I have really had to learn to guard my heart over that past 12 months because I was so sick of being emotionally pummeled to the ground. Even now, with a hopeful end in sight, my heart and mind are still cautious to the reality of a no pregnancy ending. In fact, my closest friends and family are more excited and hopeful than I am.

Yet, I do feel surges of joy and excitement from time to time. Times when sitting in my car and thinking about the joy of telling our friends and family the good news of being pregnant with twins. (I can dream, can't I) or thinking about what kind of personalities or physical features my kids will have. For example, will they be completely full of mischief and have the goofiest sense of humor like my husband or will they be more reserved and slightly OCD like me? Will they have my husband's big blue eyes or my bright smile? Thinking about all this does give me surges of joy and excitement from time to time.

However, I am not naive about what happens when this doesn't work out and we have to pursue the only other option we have: Adoption. I am learning to think and have a more positive and open-mind about this option. I have made the decision that whatever happens, my children will be loved and taught to love others. I also know, without a doubt, that our journey has not happened for nothing and my pain has not been unnoticed by God. I know that He is using this experience to show off who He is in my life so that other's can be blessed by Him.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11

Orchestrated Moments and updates

Have you ever had weird encounters or words of encouragement out of the blue from people that you haven't spoken to in years or months? Words of encouragement  or encounters with people you realize must have been influenced by God? If you have, it is probably one of the most real moments you can have with the Holy Spirit. I had a few such moments this past weekend that have left me unbelievably encouraged and extremely filled to the brim with hope for the future.

This weekend I spent some quality time with my mother and brother's wife at a Beth Moore speaking engagement. If you have never been to one of these, I highly recommend. You will leave feeling so inspired and refreshed in your faith and walk with the Lord.  The Holy Spirit was already at work in my heart from just that, but then God topped it off by sending blessings my way that I can only believe are from Him.

 The first moment was a Facebook message from a high school friend, whom I haven't talked to or seen since graduation day over ten years ago. The message was filled with words of love and encouragement about Matt and I's journey to becoming parents. It came right in the midst of an already encouraging message from Beth Moore.

The second moment was an email from a former student, who is now a freshman in high school. The email was sent to tell me how her teacher is amazed with her prior poetry and literature knowledge. She told me that she has found every thing I taught her useful for her success in high school. It was a moment I knew that God had orchestrated for me to encounter when I did.

The weekend also gave me the boost to share what has been going on in my life for the past couple of months as well. I wasn't sure if I was ready to share, since things are happening and about to get very real for Matthew and I. After this weekend, I know I am ready and supposed to.  Back in February of 2013, I was scheduled to begin my first round of IVF until the doctor found a cyst on one of my ovaries. Since then, I have had four ultrasounds to check to see if the cyst has gone away. It has not. I originally thought that we could not go through with IVF until the cyst was gone or removed per my fertility doctor's request. However, my surgical doctor gave me different advice. She basically told me that I should seek a second opinion because nothing about the cyst is life-threatening or of medical concern. That is exactly what my husband and I did.

Our new fertility doctor is comfortable with going forward with IVF and we are currently preparing for our first and God-willing ONLY cycle. Praises all around! I absolutely DID NOT want to have to undergo another surgery. Matt and I couldn't be more thrilled and encouraged. We spent 7 months waiting around and feeling like this process would NEVER happen when all along there were doctors who would go forward. I do not regret waiting this long to get a second opinion. I do not regret having to go through this entire process. I realize that through pain God makes us stronger. Through pain we become changed people who are more prepared for whatever else life throws at us. Through pain we grow in our relationships with those that we love. Through pain we always end up seeing what we couldn't see before.