The one...the only...Paul...

Do you have a favorite Bible character? Actually when I think about it they aren't really characters...they are real, genuine, people. Mine would have to be Paul. Paul's story is really quite inspiring. He is also a role model for me and a huge reason why I understand God has huge plan's for those who love Him. And also, that Christians aren't exempt from pain and suffering just because we believe in God. I started doing a 90 day journey with Paul, compliments of Beth Moore. I have been learning more than I bargained for and have seen how great our God is.

Paul started out as a Pharisee and even had a different name, Saul. He was really quite evil and killed many Christians that didn't follow the ways of the Pharisee's and their old testament thinking. He thought he was very righteous and had life all figured out. I would say that he had a HUGE ego and massive amounts of pride. Usually when people have HUGE ego's and massive amount's of pride, they get knocked down eventually. That's exactly what happened to Paul. God literally knocked him down and asked Paul why he was persecuting Him? (Acts 9). Paul couldn't deny God's amazing power after that and become a follower himself.

What is so inspiring about Paul is that his devotion to God is like none I have seen. When he became a Christian he was heavily persecuted himself by being put into prisons, put before Roman judges, put into dangerous situations where Jews wanted to stone him to death, and put into hiding. I don't tell the story nearly as great as the Bible does. I don't really even give it justice, but I hope you can start to see his devotion to God. What amazes me the most is that Paul never gave up and he always trusted God.

Paul had no idea the path that God was going to take him on, but he always trusted that God's ways and plans were better. I don't know my path either. It can be scary to think about and fear can enter my mind. Will I ever have kids? What if IVF doesn't work? If I do have kids, will they be healthy? Will I be a good parent? What if I screw up, raising kids is getting harder and harder? I am sure even Paul had moments of fear (I mean he was still human), but Paul never stopped trusting in God and what plans He had. Paul's story is really quite inspiring because I know that trusting God and letting Him rule what happens in your life always turns out better than you can expect. It is definitely easier said than done, but knowing that many have trusted God before me makes it a lot easier.

To Pout or to Celebrate? That is the question.

Why is it every time that you really desire something, every one else in the world seems to have it before you? For example, back when I really wanted to get engaged to Matthew (and was incredibly impatient) it felt like every other day some one was announcing their engagement! Well I feel the same exact thing is happening again with this desire of mine to start a family. Let me just show you...

1. I have been working at my school for a little over 5 years and have seen a couple teachers get pregnant. No big deal, I wasn't thinking about it myself. This year, however, the pregnant teachers have been coming out in droves. 4 (yes 4!) teachers have announced theirs or their spouses pregnancies! To top this off, some of them haven't even been married a year! I mean really!

2. I am in two Bible studies (one for me and one for Matt and me). Both Bible studies have had women announce their pregnancies. Obviously, I am happy for these women. They deserve a happy family too, but come on!

3. Literally, and I mean LITERALLY, every time I log onto Facebook, some cute couple is announcing that they are pregnant. I understand I am in my late 20's and this is the time of life people are starting families, but it is just getting ridiculous.

4. I feel like every Hollywood Star and their mother is getting pregnant. So now when I check out at Target, I have to see Kim Kardashian's pregnant butt.

I mean...can any one out there relate with me right now? 

But here's the thing, I have to remember that this earth isn't all about me. I have to remember that many of these cute couples announcing their pregnancies have gone through times of pain and periods of loss too. I have to remember that any time some one announces their pregnancy it is a gift from God and something that should be celebrated. So I am here to say that I am going to celebrate and rejoice with these cute couples who were blessed with the opportunity to bring life into this world. I know that my time will come and so will those of you who are waiting too because God is good and His plan for all our lives is perfect! And when that day comes, you better believe that there will be an announcement from the Loerop's!

Hold on to the Promises

Holding on to the promises is what gives me peace. 

October 10, 2012 was the day that will go down in history as the day I found out I can not have children naturally. After trying for over a year, Matt and I decided to seek a fertility specialist because our plans to becoming parents wasn't happening in the time frame we thought or like we expected. We wanted to find out what was the deal. So here is the deal, on October 10 I went to the Loyola Medical Center's Radiology department for what is called an HSG test (actual name is hard to spell and difficult to say). The HSG is a fancy x-ray test that examines my lady parts. The results were not as hopeful as I expected, my left tube was messed up and an egg could not get through, also my right tube was beginning to be messed up so the egg had a very difficult time getting through. Awesome, two bum tubes = no baby (naturally).

Obviously, this was very upsetting and I thought my world has just ended. The devastation of learning I couldn't have the big family of cute, little, dutch blondies running around was probably the worst news I had heard my entire life. I felt like some one had just died. However, my dreams are not officially dead. On October 24, Matt and I had another visit with our fertility doctor to hear the low down and options available from the results of my test. My options are IVF or adoption. We are choosing IVF. This choice does not come easy or painless. There are a couple of steps involved with that choice. Step one: my tubes had to be removed because if they stay the toxins from them could kill any baby formed in my womb. Not an easy decision to make, but one necessary if Matt and I want biological children. Step one has been taken care of. I won't go into too much detail there. Step two: buy the medicine, go to the training, and wait for my cycle to  line up with the doctor's time frame. In February, I was so excited because I thought that was the month I would get to start my first IVF cycle, become pregnant, and get ready to be a mom. That did not happen. On the day I went in my baseline ultrasound to check if all was well with my ovaries and uterus, the doctor found a growth on one of my ovaries. I, of course, did not handle that well and became very upset. If you don't know me, I am a crier. I cry at just about anything. I cry when the Olympic music plays. I cry so easily the doctor has tissues waiting when I come in for a visit now. So you can imagine the water works. The doctor told me I had to go for a CT scan because she wasn't sure what it was. Again freak out moment for me. Turned out it was just an ovarian cyst, but I had to wait a WHOLE month before the doctor could say what to do. The month came and went. The whole month I was praying that the cyst would go away so that I did not have to have surgery for the second time. The current results are this, the cyst is going away (PRAISE JESUS), but I now have to wait until May before I know what the next steps are. I guess that is how long it will take before this cyst dissolves.

I have learned so much through this. The biggest lesson I have learned through this is I can't control this anymore. I have tried to be so controlling of this aspect of my life and it just isn't working any more. I am a control freak and I like things done in a certain way. But God is using this situation to teach me that life is not about what I expect and want, it's about His expectations and what He wants for me. Like I can actually control when I will become a mother, who do I think I am! (Job 38 is very humbling if you need an ego check.) When I first found out about my situation. I was beside myself, stressed, and in a "woe is me" depression. That mentality did nothing for me. I decided that had to stop. I decided I was going to hold on to God's promises and let Him do His thing. The peace that has come over me through this time is so calming and satisfying. I know that is only from God. God is carrying me through this and He alone will bring me joy, not a baby, not becoming a mother, not having 4 or 5 children, and certainly not feeling a baby kick inside of my womb. Don't get me wrong, I think those all can bring joy, but only temporary joy that doesn't last for eternity. God and His design for my life is what will bring me that everlasting joy. He is who I put my hope and identity in. So here I am holding on the the promises and still waiting for Love's design, but along the way of seeing God's beauty for my family unfold (no matter where the baby comes from) I am basking in the joy I have for the Father who created me for a larger purpose than being a mother.

Love's Design: A Beauty to be Seen

Love's Design is meant to share my story. The story of how I realized that God's beauty through my infertility and life is still being designed and a beauty to be seen.

The title of my blog came naturally. A while back, (September/October of 2012) my pastor did a sermon series called, "Love's Design". I was very intrigued by the title and anxious to hear what he had to say. I didn't realize how very appropriate it would be and how desperately I needed to hear God's word through it.
You see my husband and I are dealing with infertility. Which by the way is a huge blow to a person (myself) who thought that getting married and having a baby would be the easiest thing in the world. Here's what God had to say about that, "Um, Elizabeth this is my story for your life and not yours...so you are going to have to do things a little differently than you expected."

Differently than I expected is certainly right! But before I get into the whole infertility story and God's design for Matt and I's family. I need to explain how God is truly a beauty to be seen. In the sermon series, one sermon really caught my attention and struck of chord in my soul. Pastor Todd was preaching from John 9. (Quick low down on that: Jesus healed a blind man) In the passage, Jesus' disciples asked him if the man was blind because of his sin or his parent's sin. This next part is basically the entire desire I have for this blog and what I realized was God's design for my infertility. Jesus' response to that was this, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." Basically saying, "It's Love's Design!" and I had nothing to do with this trial in my life. God wants to show off through me!

Whoa baby! God loves us (me) so much that he uses our (my) brokenness to show off his beauty! He has such a larger purpose for my life or anyone's life (for that matter) that accepts him. My heart can only praise Him through this. This is my story, no stop, this is GOD"S STORY about how His beauty and love can be seen through brokenness and pain. Even now tears run down my face because of the unknown of whether or not Matt and I will have a biological child. However, they are not entirely tears of sadness; they are also tears of joy and excitement because I know that my Holy Father has such an amazing design planned for my family and I can barely stand to wait!