Welcome to the IVF Family...

 I was very amazed during our IFV cycle at the number of  families who could not have children on their own. Matt and I used, Fertility Centers of Illinois, which I would highly recommend to any one struggling to get pregnant. During our cycle we would have to go to their downtown Chicago office because it was the only office open on the weekends. Nothing stops baby making, not even Christmas! The nurses and doctors work every day of the year due to the high demand of people wanting babies. It's crazy! I came to the conclusion that I was a part of a baby making factory. The downtown office had waiting rooms for everything! We would have to wait by the front desk, then I would have to wait in a room by the ultrasounds (not the cute let's see how the baby looks ultrasounds), then in a room to get my blood drawn. I was also never alone, there were always three to four women sitting waiting with me for the exact same thing. Some women were friendly and I would befriend them for a few short minutes. We had an immediate connection and we would always wish each other "good luck" on our cycles. I sometimes wonder if IVF worked for all those other women.

You may be wondering, why ultrasounds? why blood drawn? Well, IVF is all about numbers. Matthew and I (Matthew went to every appointment except for one, couldn't of asked for a better partner) went to either our doctor's office in Oak Brook or the Downtown office every other day. Luckily this all happened during my Thanksgiving break, so I didn't need to go into work late every other day. I had to get an ultrasound to check and see how many egg follicles were forming and to check my blood for estrogen levels. The doctor has to check so much because the whole process could have been shut down if I was making too many egg follicles or too little and to check and see when I was ready to trigger, in other words have my eggs taken out. By the end, I was so used to being poked and prodded during the ultrasounds that I don't mind them that much anymore, but I still and will forever hate getting my blood drawn. The whole process latest about 14 days, but they were jammed pack with anticipation and emotion. I was a hormonal freak with all the estrogen in me from the meds. My poor husband took the brunt of most of my craziness.

Matthew and I did find time to relax and enjoy the process as well. Whenever, we went to the Downtown office we would go to this amazing donut place called, Glazed and Infused. The donuts there are the best I have ever tasted. They even have a donut with bacon on it! Matthew and I would go there after our appointments and get two donuts each. We would sit at the tiny tables and have coffee and donuts. We sat and chit chatted or people watched; we especially enjoyed watching all the people walk their dogs. We may have a weird obsession with dogs.

Not that IVF is a completely enjoyable process, but it wasn't that bad. I got to spend a lot of time with Matthew, I learned a lot about the world of fertility, and I choose to trust God even more with His plans for our family. If I had to go back and change my mind about doing IVF, I wouldn't. I know in my heart this was what Matthew and I were meant to do to have a family. I couldn't be more amazed with God's faithfulness through it all.

Luke 1:37

November 30, 2013 was the last time I blogged and at that time I was in the midst of my IVF treatments. I had not had my egg retrieval or transfer yet and was completely unaware of what what to come only 19 days later. It's pretty amazing what can happen in a person's life in a matter of only 19 days...

On December 18, 2013, Matthew and I went into the fertility doctors office to see if I was pregnant through a blood sample. This was exactly 10 days after the doctors transferred our embryo into my uterus. Those 10 days of waiting were the LONGEST days of waiting I had yet endured. My mind would sometimes shift from the fear of not being pregnant to the hope of being pregnant-torturous!  My fears were conquered at about 1:30 that afternoon when a nurse called to tell me I was officially PREGNANT!

But, what I haven't told you yet, is that the night before I took a home pregnancy test. I was home alone because Matt had class, so my mind was racing with still not knowing the outcome. Curiosity got the best of me and I just HAD to know. I realized that I wanted to be prepared for whatever the outcome and have my moment of joy or sorrow in the comfort of my own home, instead of at work the next day.   That night, Dec 17, I saw the first positive home pregnancy test in all the months of trying to conceive and I was beside myself with tears of disbelief. I stood in my bathroom and seriously could not believe my eyes, this was the moment I had been waiting for. This was the moment I had spent so many hours praying for and it finally arrived! I obviously called Matthew and told him the news, who is somewhat of a skeptic and actually didn't get too excited about the pregnancy until the official results from the doctor. Not the most romantic way of sharing the news, but at this point I didn't care.

Even though I had some fear of the first round of IVF not working, I also had a sign from God that I was finally going to be a mom that kept me mostly hopeful for the 10 days of waiting. This sign comes from the verse Luke 1:37, "For with God nothing shall be impossible" in 3 distinct ways before and on the day of our embryo transfer.

1. I was in HobbyLobby getting craft supplies one Saturday during my IVF treatments and decided to go look at Wall Decals. I found one I really liked for my kitchen without having much thought about it. When I put the phrase on the wall in my kitchen, I looked up the verse, Luke 1:37, and found that it comes from the story of how Mary's cousin, Elizabeth, was with child at a very old age after years of waiting. "For with God nothing shall be impossible."

2. During the Christmas season, KLove (a Christian radio station), used speakers to remind us of the Christmas story. One of the speakers told the story of Elizabeth and Zachariah. The speaker said that this story is often forgotten in the Christmas season, but plays huge part. I only heard this speaker's story once, days before our embryo transfer, and it happened to be an encouraging word that nothing is impossible for God.

3. This next sign from God actually gave me chills and the most affirming sign that I was going to be pregnant. The day of our embryo transfer was a Sunday in early December right after Advent began. I am sure many churches go through the Christmas story or use passages about the coming of Christ, but on this specific Sunday both my parent's pastor and our pastor were preaching on the verse Luke 1: 37, "For nothing shall be impossible with God". My mom texted me that morning when I was at the fertility center and said, "Pastor Steve preached on Luke 1:37!! Oh my goodness! God is with you and Matt and NOTHING is impossible with HIM!" I found that to be one of the most encouraging and affirming signs that we had just "made" a baby!

Even now, almost 14 weeks into my pregnancy, fears can overtake my mind about the baby. What if the heart stops beating? What if something is wrong with the baby? What if...? What if...? I can't live by the "What ifs..." I remind myself that this child is a blessing from God, as all children are, and since NOTHING is impossible for God then how can I not trust Him and worry about the "What ifs..." God has already done so much with plans in my life that it's stupid for me not to trust that He has great plans for my child's life.

"For NOTHING shall be impossible with God." Luke 1:37

Letters of Love

In my house, I have a box. This is no ordinary box. This box is special in every way because it contains the many cards, letters, and messages I have received from friends and family through out the year. The cards and letters are filled with words of love, encouragement, and hope. I keep them as a treasure for my heart because on rough days I can go to my box and read the words of love.

Recently, my mind has been drawn to a very specific letter I received on my 29th birthday from my mother. My mind has been drawn to this letter because right now I really have no words that can describe the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster that IVF has taken me on. The words that I can say to help me express my feelings right now are from that letter. The letter quoted a text from a Beth Moore study that said:

"...each of us who is willing can also receive a new song from God that arises in our souls out of hardship's victories--not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on our heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be "heard" by others, but they cannot be "learned" secondhand. Songs of the heart are only learned through personal experience--through hurts, losses, and failures that have been handed over to Jesus to heal and transform. And once we learn the songs, no one can take them from us."

Slowly, but surely I am seeing God's truths through this and I know that it is my journey to bear. I also know that I am forever changed by it and that is something I would NEVER trade.