I'd like to thank....

"I thank my God in all my remembrance of you..." Philippians 1:3

I realized long ago that infertility isn't a journey you go on alone. It is a journey that your spouse, family, current friends, old friends, pray supporters, doctors, nurses, and bosses all go on with you. I realized that without the support of all these people it would have been impossible for me to make it through the times of waiting, the IVF process, and current pregnancy. So without further ado, I decided to give out a special thanks in this post...

First, I'd like to thank all the fabulous ladies from my past who reached out to me with messages of support, love, and prayer. Each time I received a message from one of you it was usually at a time I needed it most and for that I thank you.

Thank you to my current gal pals who have always asked how I was doing or if I needed anything. It is so awesome to have women who really care and reach out through phone call, dinner dates, or email to show love. 

Thank you to all my bible study ladies and couples that have been a prayer support for Matt and I, now and during the period of waiting and hope for a baby. I am specifically thankful for the ladies that met on Tuesday nights at Heather's and for my current group of ladies, who were there for me during the darkest moments of my journey and are still a huge part of my life. I can't wait for each of you to hold and love on my baby!

Thank you to my students, boss, and co-worker friends who reminded me that life isn't always about making babies and sometimes life is about the people right in front of you. 

Thank you to my family. Dads and Moms, Brothers and Sisters, Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles, and Cousins all from both sides, who reached out to Matt and I, and gave us words of wisdom, lots of hugs, phone calls, emails, prayers, and unconditional love. This baby already is already so loved by those who loved Matt and I first. 

Thank you to my mother, who always took my phone calls to calm me down if I was crying, came to my house if I really needed her, took me shopping or out to eat to help me get things off my mind, and always prayed with me when I asked. She is by far the definition of mom and I hope I am at least half the mom she is to my own children. 

And finally, thank you to my husband and first love, Matthew. He went to every appointment or procedure, except one, even though some of them were ten minutes, just to hold my hand. He still goes to every appointment, but these are more fun. He let me cry and be myself when I was most upset. He took me out to eat or for frozen yogurt every time I needed to get out of the house. He prayed for me and the future of our family and now prays for our baby. He kept me and keeps me grounded on planet earth and also helps me realize that things really aren't that bad. I am unbelievably thankful for the spouse that I have been blessed with.

No, I haven't forgotten about my Holy Father. NONE of this would have happened without Him. He deserves his own post. 

Highs and Lows

Pure Joy. Extreme Happiness. Excitement beyond measure. These were the feelings I had when first finding out that IVF worked and we were pregnant. I received the official phone call from the doctor's office on a Wednesday at about 1:30 in the afternoon, three days before Christmas break. A nurse made the call and started out by saying, "I have good news...", she then proceeded to say how my HCG (pregnancy hormone levels) looked, what meds I still needed to continue to help support the development of our baby, and to schedule an appointment for Friday (the day before Christmas break) to check my HCG and progesterone levels. Standard procedure.

Irrational Fear. Extreme sadness. Incomprehensible tears. These were the feelings I had on Friday when hearing the nurse on the phone say that my HCG levels weren't rising fast enough and if I experienced any bleeding or heavy cramps I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I was completely dumbfounded and caught off guard. One minute, I am in my classroom enjoying a class Christmas party with my students and the next I am in my boss's office with tears streaming down my face. I felt hopeless and confused. I couldn't believe that the nurse basically just told me that I was probably going to miscarry. I kept asking, "Why God? I have gone through so much already. Why are you taking this from me only two days later?" I left work to go on Christmas break without excitement and the feeling of freedom like usual, but instead with a feeling being trapped and losing control. I kinda felt like a patient who was just told you have about 6 more months to live, some one just waiting for the inevitable. The next appointment to check my levels was Monday morning (two days before Christmas).

I spent the majority of the weekend in complete depression. I had a very hard time being happy or excited about the pregnancy because I thought I was going to miscarry. I didn't want to get too attached, which is honestly impossible to do. I remember yelling at my stomach, "You are not allowed to quit! You are a fighter, just like your parents!" The doctor's appointment was early Monday morning and I knew that I wouldn't get a phone call about the HCG levels until later that afternoon. I decided that praying and reading scripture was probably the best way to spend my time, instead of wallowing in self pity. I started reading the Psalms of David. I choose that particular book because I had just finished a David study early in the year and knew some of his Psalms reflected going through times a fear and mourning. As I read, the psalms became my personal prayers and I was able to feel peace and comfort again. The phone call came around 3:30 in the afternoon, felt like years later. This time the doctor personally called me. The HCG levels had gone up significantly, but the doctor still felt they were low. She told me I would be in her thoughts because she was leaving on vacation. The phone call left me feeling hopeful. I thought the levels keep going up, that must mean something. The next appointment to check the levels was the day after Christmas.

I was very thankful that Christmas was relaxing and full of love and laughter with my family. I even got my very first baby gift from my mom. A bib. I opened the gift and burst into tears, which even caught me off guard. They weren't tears of sadness, but of knowing I had a hopeful future ahead. Well, the day after Christmas came and what do you know, the HCG levels quaturpled and the nurse told me that my low HCG level was probably a statistical anomaly, but I knew it was God.

The Bib

Welcome to the IVF Family...

 I was very amazed during our IFV cycle at the number of  families who could not have children on their own. Matt and I used, Fertility Centers of Illinois, which I would highly recommend to any one struggling to get pregnant. During our cycle we would have to go to their downtown Chicago office because it was the only office open on the weekends. Nothing stops baby making, not even Christmas! The nurses and doctors work every day of the year due to the high demand of people wanting babies. It's crazy! I came to the conclusion that I was a part of a baby making factory. The downtown office had waiting rooms for everything! We would have to wait by the front desk, then I would have to wait in a room by the ultrasounds (not the cute let's see how the baby looks ultrasounds), then in a room to get my blood drawn. I was also never alone, there were always three to four women sitting waiting with me for the exact same thing. Some women were friendly and I would befriend them for a few short minutes. We had an immediate connection and we would always wish each other "good luck" on our cycles. I sometimes wonder if IVF worked for all those other women.

You may be wondering, why ultrasounds? why blood drawn? Well, IVF is all about numbers. Matthew and I (Matthew went to every appointment except for one, couldn't of asked for a better partner) went to either our doctor's office in Oak Brook or the Downtown office every other day. Luckily this all happened during my Thanksgiving break, so I didn't need to go into work late every other day. I had to get an ultrasound to check and see how many egg follicles were forming and to check my blood for estrogen levels. The doctor has to check so much because the whole process could have been shut down if I was making too many egg follicles or too little and to check and see when I was ready to trigger, in other words have my eggs taken out. By the end, I was so used to being poked and prodded during the ultrasounds that I don't mind them that much anymore, but I still and will forever hate getting my blood drawn. The whole process latest about 14 days, but they were jammed pack with anticipation and emotion. I was a hormonal freak with all the estrogen in me from the meds. My poor husband took the brunt of most of my craziness.

Matthew and I did find time to relax and enjoy the process as well. Whenever, we went to the Downtown office we would go to this amazing donut place called, Glazed and Infused. The donuts there are the best I have ever tasted. They even have a donut with bacon on it! Matthew and I would go there after our appointments and get two donuts each. We would sit at the tiny tables and have coffee and donuts. We sat and chit chatted or people watched; we especially enjoyed watching all the people walk their dogs. We may have a weird obsession with dogs.

Not that IVF is a completely enjoyable process, but it wasn't that bad. I got to spend a lot of time with Matthew, I learned a lot about the world of fertility, and I choose to trust God even more with His plans for our family. If I had to go back and change my mind about doing IVF, I wouldn't. I know in my heart this was what Matthew and I were meant to do to have a family. I couldn't be more amazed with God's faithfulness through it all.