Letters of Love

In my house, I have a box. This is no ordinary box. This box is special in every way because it contains the many cards, letters, and messages I have received from friends and family through out the year. The cards and letters are filled with words of love, encouragement, and hope. I keep them as a treasure for my heart because on rough days I can go to my box and read the words of love.

Recently, my mind has been drawn to a very specific letter I received on my 29th birthday from my mother. My mind has been drawn to this letter because right now I really have no words that can describe the emotional, physical, and mental roller coaster that IVF has taken me on. The words that I can say to help me express my feelings right now are from that letter. The letter quoted a text from a Beth Moore study that said:

"...each of us who is willing can also receive a new song from God that arises in our souls out of hardship's victories--not necessarily in musical notes but in fresh truths engraved on our heart. These are precious gifts that eventually come to those who keep the faith and wait to see God redeem great difficulty. These songs can be "heard" by others, but they cannot be "learned" secondhand. Songs of the heart are only learned through personal experience--through hurts, losses, and failures that have been handed over to Jesus to heal and transform. And once we learn the songs, no one can take them from us."

Slowly, but surely I am seeing God's truths through this and I know that it is my journey to bear. I also know that I am forever changed by it and that is something I would NEVER trade. 

Surges of Joy

As time draws closer to beginning our first IVF cycle, my mind has been more focused on what happens when I actually do get pregnant. Over the course of the year, I haven't really allowed myself to think about the possibility because being pregnant seemed completely out of reach. I have really had to learn to guard my heart over that past 12 months because I was so sick of being emotionally pummeled to the ground. Even now, with a hopeful end in sight, my heart and mind are still cautious to the reality of a no pregnancy ending. In fact, my closest friends and family are more excited and hopeful than I am.

Yet, I do feel surges of joy and excitement from time to time. Times when sitting in my car and thinking about the joy of telling our friends and family the good news of being pregnant with twins. (I can dream, can't I) or thinking about what kind of personalities or physical features my kids will have. For example, will they be completely full of mischief and have the goofiest sense of humor like my husband or will they be more reserved and slightly OCD like me? Will they have my husband's big blue eyes or my bright smile? Thinking about all this does give me surges of joy and excitement from time to time.

However, I am not naive about what happens when this doesn't work out and we have to pursue the only other option we have: Adoption. I am learning to think and have a more positive and open-mind about this option. I have made the decision that whatever happens, my children will be loved and taught to love others. I also know, without a doubt, that our journey has not happened for nothing and my pain has not been unnoticed by God. I know that He is using this experience to show off who He is in my life so that other's can be blessed by Him.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11